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"weird Al" Yankovic
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Close But No Cigar
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Fix lyrics Close But No Cigar by "weird Al" Yankovic
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Current song lyrics
Jillian was her name<br />She was sweeter than aspartame<br />Her kisses reconfigured my DNA<br />And after that I never was the same<br /><br />And I loved her even more<br />Than Marlon Brando loved souffle<br />She was gorgeous, she was charming<br />Yeah, she was perfect in every way<br /><br />Except she was always using the word "infer"<br />When she obviously meant "imply"<br />And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing<br />But frankly, I can't imagine why<br /><br />And I told her, I said<br />"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?<br />No, I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />Then I met sweet young Janet<br />Prettiest thing on the planet<br />Had a body hotter than a habanjero<br />She had lips like a ripe pomegranate<br /><br />And I was crazy like Manson about her<br />She got me all choked up like Momma Cass<br />She had a smile so incredibly radiant<br />You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass<br /><br />I thought after all these years of searching around<br />I'd found my soulmate finally<br />But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy<br />Of Joe Dirt on DVD<br /><br />Oh, no! I said<br />"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?<br />No I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />Oh, so very close! (Close!)<br />Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br />So close!<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(ALL RIGHT!)<br /><br />[Hand claps, trumpet solo]<br /><br />Julie played water polo<br />She wore a ribbon on her left manolo<br />She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near<br />My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo<br /><br />And she was everything I've dreamed of<br />She moved right up to #1 on my list<br />And did I mention she's a world famous billionare<br />Bikini supermodel astrophysicist<br /><br />Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron<br />Look like a big fat slobbering pig<br />The only caveat is one of her earlobes<br />Was just a little tiny bit too big<br /><br />I said<br />"Hey! Are we doing government work here?<br />No I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />So very, very close! (Close!)<br />Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br />So close!<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)<br />Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)<br />Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)<br />But no cigar
New song lyrics
Jillian was her name<br />She was sweeter than aspartame<br />Her kisses reconfigured my DNA<br />And after that I never was the same<br /><br />And I loved her even more<br />Than Marlon Brando loved souffle<br />She was gorgeous, she was charming<br />Yeah, she was perfect in every way<br /><br />Except she was always using the word "infer"<br />When she obviously meant "imply"<br />And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing<br />But frankly, I can't imagine why<br /><br />And I told her, I said<br />"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?<br />No, I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />Then I met sweet young Janet<br />Prettiest thing on the planet<br />Had a body hotter than a habanjero<br />She had lips like a ripe pomegranate<br /><br />And I was crazy like Manson about her<br />She got me all choked up like Momma Cass<br />She had a smile so incredibly radiant<br />You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass<br /><br />I thought after all these years of searching around<br />I'd found my soulmate finally<br />But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy<br />Of Joe Dirt on DVD<br /><br />Oh, no! I said<br />"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?<br />No I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />Oh, so very close! (Close!)<br />Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br />So close!<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(Oh, yeah!)<br />(Oh, no!)<br />(ALL RIGHT!)<br /><br />[Hand claps, trumpet solo]<br /><br />Julie played water polo<br />She wore a ribbon on her left manolo<br />She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near<br />My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo<br /><br />And she was everything I've dreamed of<br />She moved right up to #1 on my list<br />And did I mention she's a world famous billionare<br />Bikini supermodel astrophysicist<br /><br />Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron<br />Look like a big fat slobbering pig<br />The only caveat is one of her earlobes<br />Was just a little tiny bit too big<br /><br />I said<br />"Hey! Are we doing government work here?<br />No I don't think we are!<br />You're close! (Close!)<br />So very, very close! (Close!)<br />Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br />So close!<br />But no cigar!"<br /><br />Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)<br />Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)<br />Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)<br />But no cigar
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